Subjective Motherhood

Having children is a blessing. Pregnancy is another blessing. Labour is a blessing too. Triple blessings that have many blessings incorporated into them. Anything can happen at anytime and whilst you anticipate the arrival of your new bundle, if you are like me those unpredictable elements pertaining to the whole being a motherhood may just throw you ever so slightly.

During my first pregnancy it was the unknown that enticed me ironically. Like any other first mum to be I read up on the development of the child in the womb week by week (both on the NHS and baby centre website.) I also searched on the internet for necessary items and made sure my maternity bag was packed neatly. I did not know the gender of my baby so the clothes were all plain white. I attended the pre-natal classes also to help to prepare for labour and beyond. I read and listened to the islamic literature regarding pregnancy and the tarbiyah of children. I ensured I recited so the child became accustommed to the sounds of the Arabic language. Most of all I supplicated abundantly to the one most high. When you go for scans and check ups there is a lot of information to take in and at times you can become daunted about that which can go wrong. Alhumdulillah having been through it twice Allah has got me through it. The sleepless nights, the excitement before the arrival, the birth I have to be grateful to Allah.

I guess being grateful to As-Shakur (the most Appreciative) is one of the many reasons why I wanted to share my writing. It is not until I began my journey to becoming a mother and being a mother I realised the importance of gratitude to the one most high. Believe me prior to becoming a parent I supplicated and was thankful as much as I could be to Allah, but somehow when you become a parent things change. You worry about this tiny human, about all aspects of their life.

Before having Safiya my focus was for her to be righteous. Before having Amanah my focus had changed. Although I did the similar things like the first pregnancy my attention was focused on the eldest one. However, the beautiful act that I was able to concentrate on was reciting the Quran, so much so I contemplated calling her Iqra. In Arabic this means ‘to read.’ Yet I felt guilty for not doing exactly the same as I had done for Safiya. It was like Allah had blessed with this gift (and a gift she is) but I had disserviced her.

Until recently I was feeling very low, thoughts in my mind regarding life, death, the afterlife. I would look at my children, look at my situation, think about future plans and feel dissatisified. And then I began again to ask Allah to alter these feelings. There were tmes I would go through the motions of life and yet succumb to becoming disheartened. Things I once enjoyed became the very cause of anger. The motherhood I was eagerly anticipating had not- albeit in my mind- turned out how I had imagined- how I had planned. Then an ayah from the Quran came to my mind ‘We plan and Allah plans.’ I had refelcted upon this two years prior to this and related it to the oppression that was occuring around the world. Yet at this point it spoke volumes about the situation I was in, epitomising that everything is decreed. Everything has been planned by the Almighty.

At times I do struggle practicing sabr (patience) has never been easy for me. I went back to Allah. I began to count my blessings. I removed myself and went to a different place to refresh my mind mentally, physically and spiritually. Then I began to gradually make sense and regain my positivity (though I have not reached the peak.) Had I not gone through this period of ‘feeling like nothing’ I would not have reconnected with Allah nor would I have revisted why I made the life choices that I did. I found interest in writing and learning again. Photography re-entered into my life (which I am hoping to showcase. I am still in an uphill battle, but in the back of mind I am grateful to Allah I know He will get me through- and it is His judgement that ultimately matters.

So to all the mothers out there, I pray that Allah gives us all strength and enables us to raise offspring who are pious, righteous and a testification for us not a test for us. Ameen.










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