Every time I go out I am taken aback at where Allah has lead me. Recently I have been pondering about how I am progressing in the different aspects of my life. I ask myself how am I doing as a mother? as a wife? as a believer? The initial aim of the blog was to act a diary for my daughter – Safiya. When you have your first child is born everything is special and you want to savour every moment. As a mother I wanted to document her development, her achievements, her contributions. I know, some may say rather high expectations for a three year old. I would supplicate for to Allah from the smallest of fears to the biggest of fears.
Now I have my second daughter and things are different. I am different. Life in general is different. Initially after her birth due to physical ailments I felt I could not devote myself to any of my children, my husband or to myself. Like any other mother after birth I experienced the high and then the low came. At the time with everything else that was happening I depleted greatly.
Growing up I had always been resilient and could refocus whatever was happening. Irrespective of happiness of sadness I would unconditionally supplicate to Allah. This time it was different I could see a way out. I felt everything was against me. Reflecting on this experience a few months later I realise what the wisdom was. I would not have appreciated aspects of my life that I had taken for granted. I would not have found solace and peace in my children as I do now. I would not have accessed the services to start the road to recovery in my winding road. I would not be getting stronger. I would not have counted the blessings of Allah. I would not have shown gratitude. I would not have had a nostalgic conversation with my mum about her experiences of motherhood.
I am still not where I want to be but I know the journey with my second daughter -Amanah who is a gift entrusted to me by Allah is going to be different. I have now began supplicating as I did during Safiya’s ‘growing’ time (she’s still only three.) Now I think of their upbringing collectively. I spent time feeling guilty as I could not provide them with that which I thought they needed. Really I am still learning what they need.