I remember that day in January 2005 when everything appeared to be bleak. Days were morose and I felt I had no purpose. I simply was an alien to my own life. Eighteen I was then and I thought I knew what was happening, now many years on I realise the wisdom. I had never cried like that before. I was broken and hurt. That day I realised that only Allah could save me from the dismay and upheaval in emotion.
I had returned home from sixth form and performed the ablution. I then went to my room and took my prayer mat and made the intention to pray Maghrib (the fourth prayer.) It was then that the prayers had a renewed meaning. I knew my life was taking a new direction. The tears streamed down my face and I could not prevent them from falling. I did not know how to deal with this. Several times I staggered in the prayer sobbing quite hard. Unknowingly I place my prayer veil in my mouth as way to calm myself down but it would not stop. I just wanted an instant solution or to undo that which had been done but I could not. Instead I prayed.
At that time in that salaah I did not know what I was saying or the meaning of the verses I was reciting. It was then that my heart felt a little less heavy and that it would be ok. Then my journey of learning began. It was filled with new discoveries and findings that were profound to me. My actions were now based more so on spirituality. All these years I did not know how liberating the religion was and how much depth it contained.
There were things that I could not give up but eventually succumbed as obeying You was better than that which I desired. That day was a pivotal point in which I returned to Allah. Theres a gem a took with me from that experience. The gem is that no matter how bad or devastating a situation is Allah is there. We just have to call upon Him and rely upon Him.
May Allah give us the best in this duniya and the akhirah. Ameen.