Anonymous anonymity

This is for that person who has sacrificed but is not acknowledged. The person that left their world behind and embraced a new world. The person who combined old values to the new values placed before them. The person that felt broken and then healed. The person that held their high although inside they were shattered. The person who tried their level best to help the ones she loved but was dismissed when it came to the important matters. The person who felt they have no voice but if people listened carefully they would the colourful sound of reason enveloped in wisdom. The person who retained that smile and cried in private.

This is for the person who placed their burdens aside to harbour the burden of others. The person who put everything on hold to encourage another to move forward. The person who is diligent but because of circumstances is afraid to use the diligence. The person who is suffering but embraces the moments so no one else experiences what they are going through.

This is for those who………….continue when anyone else would stop.

Remember whatever happens their is a higher deity that rectifies all. Give it your all see where the chances take you.

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Unfinished

July 2016

Ramadan is steadily leaving us and as the days go by there is one thing at the forefront of my mind. It is a quote from Nouman Ali Khan. He pointed out in his sayings about that the purpose of Ramadan and Fasting are different. Fasting is to aid us in attaining Taqwa, where as Ramadan is to aid us in gaining more understanding of the Quran. Effectively both enabling us to become better within ourselves.

Admittedly, it has been a slow build up of emaan for myself. Having two children, long fasts and a short time for sehri took a few days to get used to. The physical element so far has been better than I anticipated. I guess the supplications paid assisted me. However the spiritual element of connecting to Allah and understanding the Quran have taken their time.

January 2017

After re-reading this post I had a writing epiphany. Coincidentally, it is after receiving an email (which I have not yet opened) from Nouman Ali Khan that I have began to think about Ramadan. I posed the question to myself where to want to be by the end of this Ramadan. I have been thinking about my routine in Ramadan. How I will manage my two little girls alongside working on myself. I want to take advantage of the blessed month and increase in my Ibadan (worship.) I have found that the tiredness overcomes me and at times I do ‘dip.’ Before getting married and becoming a mother it was easier to sustain the reading of the Quran and concentrate on chapters I was reading as well as attend taraweeh (night prayer) prayer the mosque. I miss it very deeply and cannot wait until my girls are older so we can go together as a family. However, being with my family is unequivocally a blessing. Another is the fact that I have not worked the previous Ramadan’s that have passed. Although, there are still distractions I am grateful that I do not have to think about work (or waking up for work) when the sehri period is such a short period. In fact I am in awe of those who do have to work and pray that it is easier for them especially with the fasts being so long. I guess every situation comes with its own blessings and struggles. In a way I think this Ramadan I will be working on gratitude.

I would be interested in hearing the goals of yourselves please share 🙂

Plethora of changes

Its different having your second child. Your attention is divided and you seem so busy and engrossed in the first child often the second child’s milestones are overlooked. Although they are still of significance. With my eldest daughter I had documented the smallest of details especially in those first few months. With my second daughter it was mentally noting things and then documenting them. Those moments I enjoyed having my new bundle next me were different when I had baby number two. However, it is after having my second daughter I feel more grounded as a parent and feel more focused (as focused as a parent can be.)

Like most women I experienced the high one feels after having given birth. Then came the blues. I completely shut off. I was highly sensitive, fragile, angry and devastated. Angry at the circumstances around me (we were moving and baby had come early.) Devastated with the health problems I had amassed (but was not expecting.) In addition to this I did not want any one to know. I could not sit for any longer than two minutes. My brother came to visit me and I was crawling on my hand and knees. At night I could not sleep. I had a catheter fitted to me which was something else unexpected.  Amongst this the cultural customs pertaining to a child being born had to be upheld. I felt pressured in my own mind. I just wanted things to get better and quickly. I played with my eldest daughter whilst lying down because I could not physically sit down. I had to sit in warm baths at least four times a day. During this time I supplicated with tears rolling down my eyes. I only felt I could have a dialogue with Him.

All the while I felt the emotions of devastation, anger and disdain. I would supplicate to Allah. But I was impatient. This was not how it was meant to be. I compared three things. My pregnancy. My birth’s. My children. This is the worst thing one can do. I had envisaged something in my head thats how it was meant to be. I felt useless. This is where the help and support of organisations helped me. I received an abundance of help from the Home Treatment team at first. At this point I was still going through issues with my body after birth. I had two different nurses. It was the second nurse who helped me to overcome the barriers I had in my mind. She encouraged me to take things slowly and gave me reassurance. I was then referred to the perinatal service and this is where the largest amount of transformation occurred.

For the first time in a long time I felt as though I was making changes in my OWN way. It did not occur overnight. There was lots of paper work and assessments. My husband had to support me at this time as everything seemed to be falling from beneath me, but eventually we overcame things that I thought I would never be able to do. The worker that I had was wonderful. Alongside the beauracracy she listened, reassured and laughed with me. In a way she became my friend. You know the friend you share birth stories with and they identify? Yes….that one. She went through the traumatic ‘after birth’ and related this to the birth of my first daughter.

I still have times when I become despondent but now I have a renewed faith in humans and Allah.

Languages

Whilst putting my daughter down for a nap I thought about Languages. I am not one to make resolutions in the new year but I am determined to learn some languages this year. Yes thats right in the plural form not using the illicit ‘s.’ Yes amongst the other day to day things I am hoping to progress in my languages. I have attempted to learn Arabic since attending university. Being an an avid linguist from a young age I have been learning French and German since school. My mother tongue is not remotely close to Arabic or the European Languages rather its closer to the Sanskrit language tree. Bengali is the language I acquired at home. That being said it is a vernacular version to the ‘Standard Bengali’ that is the official language of Bangladesh. Then there are Hindi and Urdu. These two I learnt through the exposure to the Indian film industry. I love being able to speak a myriad of different languages not just for communication purposes or codeswitching. I think when I study the different grammatical aspects of the languages there are physiological processes that enlighten my Brocas area. Its such a blessing. This system we have of communicating with one another.

Threads

When studying Sociology my sister once told me that the family is central to the wider society. Of course this is a very generic finding that you can note without venturing into the fields of study. What enticed me is the notion of the impact of family on an individual. knowingly or unknowingly our lives are impacted by those who we play a major part in our lives. It is fine if we get along but what happens when things take a turn for the worst? Every family has its good times and bad times-these are not the things I want to write about. I want write about the plight of individuals who are abused psychologically, mentally,emotionally and physically. It saddens me to say the least. As these individuals are astute and diligent people. No its not the religion and no its not culture. In simple terms it is a power trip and its catalyst is control. Amongst all of this I ask myself how can one resolve this? Then I heard something about transgression. We can do whatever we like but in the end we will be held to account. I thought of people facing hardship. Amongst the pain I thought Allah has provided hope all we need to do is help ourselves. It may not seem like the best advice and when one is faced with struggles it is difficult not to be immersed into it and look for quick solutions but have hope.

 

Bittersweet

There’s nothing like death to remind one of reality. However, my thoughts are somewhat in disarray in light of recent events.

I am Sharmin. A mother, a wife, a daughter, a daughter in law, a sister, a friend, a human. I am me. I am a believer.

A family friend has recently passed away after continuous deterioration of health. There were times we would cook and provide food for his family to provide small comforts in the magnitude of turmoil one faces when you see a close one coming to the end of their life. Again my intentions and thoughts were in disarray. Why? I would ponder.

It was not healthy. However, I would think about the rights we have on one another as muslims and the reward and continue. Then, I broke.

It was only in conversation with my sister I came to realize errors in my thinking and logic. It’s strange how clouded we can become if we remain sedentary. She presented me with a scenario that was to close to my heart that showed me that I have been doing things to make others happy. I would justify it by saying that I was doing good but I would not feel good. I would struggle with such the notion of the ties of kinship holding onto the throne of Allah and question if my heart or I myself had strayed.

In the same conversation my sister reminded me of the rights of the Muslim. In Islam the believer has six rights upon another fellow below. One of them is to attend their funeral and help the family of the deceased. If one does this with sincere intention then the reward is equal to that of the size of mount Uhud.

At night I contemplated this and thought about the person who had passed away. I am a sentimental person so I naturally though of the impact of the conversations which varied from religion to day to day advice. I supplicated from where I was as I was quite a distance away from my place of residence. For a long time I had been faced with a battle when making the smallest of decisions.

Now I reflected and thought I want the reward. I knew and was happy with my decision.