I snapped this shot when Amanah’s ears were examained at the ENT department. Both sisters played in this small play area designated children whilst the parents waited. Its amazing the games young children can come up with. Safiya decided she wanted to play school’s , whilst Amanah took the decision to climb on and off the tiny chairs and tables. My husband and I sat back and watched them. I do not know what my husband was thinking but I was silently supplicating at this time. It had been a turbulent year after having my second daughter. She was a blessing but with my health deteriorating unexpectedly I felt I had only reached this point with the aid of Allah. He had placed people in my life that I feel I owe much too. Their kind words and physical help with my eldest, and assistance with appoitments was very much appreciated. It lead to a quicker healing I believe I even said to my mum and mother in law at one point that without their supplications and tears I do not think I could have recovered (I say this sincerely.) My husband too was great (though he had his moments.) After I began to heal I began to be pro-active. I took up writing once more and small creative projects. I visited friends and parents more and made a silent oath I would prioritise more. Lo behold after a few months Amanah got an ear infection. No sooner did she get over her first one she got another one. In total she had nine consecutive infections which subsided just before Ramadan then came back after the month was over.
The nights seemed long when she had them and I was consumed by guilt. People would ask me how she got it and what caused it and I would think they had an undertone of blame. It took me a while to gain confidence and realise that I should not be giving as much importance and value to what they were saying. Spiritually it was only knowing that I was giving my children their rights that mattered the most. Alas it has taken me time to fully comprehend the tarbiyah of what my beliefs hold and it is difficult. Beliefs aside (not that I can really detach them) mums really do not discuss the emotions they feel and how lonely it can be. Admittedly I would be in tears in my room and then leave and put on a brave face and carry on with my daily tasks.
I have discovered that there are other mothers who feel like this, so I want to them to know that there is a way forward. Marriage, parenting are like the title they are anaphoric and cataphoric.